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  • Writer's pictureConor Drum

Am I Hungry or Bored?

Updated: Apr 20, 2020

I almost shaved my head this morning. I got as far as plugging in the clippers, placing a towel around my shoulders and saying a quick prayer. I held off. I decided the 'Castaway' look will accidentally be the style of the summer. My 'do' has been annoying me of late, it's getting out of hand. I have the hair of a baby-gorilla, it grows straight, and now thicker on the sides because of my age. I need a professional to work their magic on it, to keep me looking like a well-adjusted human. Thats not an option right now.

Several friends have bitten the bullet and shaved their dome, some with better results than others. I have no idea how exactly my head would look shorn, but I can guess, it wouldn't be pretty. You see I have a very large cranium. It's official. I measured it once with some string and a ruler, I even checked the weight through water displacement, and the results are conclusive, it's huge. Medically, I'm an XXXL in hat size. My hair does a good job of giving false perspective, but I'm scared of what I will do without it, because I've never found a hat that comfortably fits.

My mallet has always been grand in scale. As a child my parents would tape my skull to the headrest on car journeys, just incase we came to a gentle stop and I flew through the windscreen like a bowling ball with legs. I used to carry a long stick with a wheel on one end and a pillow on the other, in order to give my neck a rest. Not really, but my head is big, it's gargantuan. Luckily I still have plenty of hair, but like all men, I worry about going bald.


I have definitely lost a little on the top, its thinned, slightly, but I'm doing well for my age - I know one guy who was almost bald by 18, poor bastard, he was dead by 19, socially. So, I know I've had a good run, I've been lucky, blessed. Forecast wise, there is a slight recession on the fringe, heading south and moving towards a widows peak. The front of the hairline is currently a strong tombolo with a large peninsula, but I predict, in the future said peninsula fighting for it's independence, winning, ultimately becoming a sovereign island, then eventually being reclaimed by the vast ocean of my forehead - but that won't be for decades, I hope, I dream.

Men who's manes have given up the ghost are forced to make a decision, shave the head or look like a wispy, deluded peadophile. The smart guys go with the trimmers. I've seen social media scoffing at people who have even considered the idea of shaving their head during the lockdown. What critics may not understand is; going bald is scary. Taking a momentary look into the future - by shaving your head now, when you don't have to be out in public for weeks, may not be a bad idea. It may ease anxiety, you might discover that you boast a normal head underneath it all and thus - have little to worry about.

Some people are shaving for charity, others for comfort. I was about to do it today for no real reason other than boredom and curiosity. I discovered my actual motivation over lunch - I was just hungry. After a toasted cheese sandwich, the urge to shave my head had all but disappeared. Maybe next week.

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